Refiner's Fire

Got the worst call of my life on Friday.

Dad has cancer.

Dad has cancer.

Dad has cancer.

It was everything I could do to get off the phone. I was in shock. I couldn't feel anything. Everything my mom was telling me was just information. It was like we were talking about a stubbed toe.

There was no falling to the ground in hysterics. There was no earth opening up and swallowing me. There was no pain.

Until hours later when all was quiet--when the kids were in bed; when my mind took all that information and processed it.

My Dad has cancer.

My Dad has cancer.

MY dad has cancer.

my DAD has cancer.

my dad has CANCER!

Then, if I had been standing,my knees would have buckled and the ground would have been taken out from underneath me.

All the fears, and the unknowns came rushing at me...and then the tears started.

Then they stopped.

And then they started again.

And again.

And again.

Today the tears held themselves at bay as I awaited the news of my dad's doctors appointment today. But after learning that the cancer has spread to one lymph node and that it's possibly stage 3 cancer, the whole universe began to swallow me up. And the tears...yes, they've come but now they are different..they are not only tears from my eyes, but tears from my heart, from my muscles and from my soul. Every inch of my body cries out.

And suddenly I knew what I had to do to right my universe.

I began to bake.

Have I mentioned that I don't DO the kitchen thing?

I can't remember the last time I baked a cookie, but I had an urge to fix, to create and to exert control as a substitute for this situation where I have none.

So now, in my kitchen, sits a couple dozen chocolate chip cookies, a dozen banana chip muffins, and cooked ground beef ready to go into the crock pot for hamburger soup.

And me?

I feel awkwardly better. Like I had control of my destiny for one short minute. Like I was the Creator and my actions were synonymous to God's-- I decided how to refine my creations; how to mold and bake them, just as God decides how He refines us; how he molds and bakes us...and then decides when is the perfect time to turn off the heat to produce an amazing product.

Daddy, you are strong, healthy, and an amazing father. You love and serve The Lord with all your heart and strength, and you are His creation. I pray that this fire won't burn too hot and that your baking time is short, and although I can't imagine a better man, I hope that His goal to produce an amazing product is achieved in you...

...and then, when you are recovered, you are going to come over here and eat some dang cookies!!

I love you!!

Be strong!!


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