Ear ye, Ear ye...
I'm such a sucker.
Recently as I was wondering through the booths at a home show, this elderly Asian man beckoned to me to come hither. Despite his rotting teeth, hunchback, and his Yoda-like appearance I found myself drawn into his curious booth set up with reflexology and accupressure charts as well as bottles of little yellow seeds and a fancy schmancy camera (such a dichotomy). He said for 20 bucks he could cure my pain: I thought for 20 bucks I could buy him a toothbrush, a haircut, and arrange for a chiropractic adjustment...
As I tried to shake him off and move on over to the pretty knives that cut fruit into amazing shapes, he blocked my path and told me that he would treat me now and I could pay later, and when he learned of my partial deafness he literally rubbed his long and bony fingers together in a move reminiscent of Austin Powers and begged me for the opportunity to restore my hearing.
Good grief, what was I to do?
I sat down in the chair...
... and prepared myself for a session of auriculotherapy. Now, I could explain what this is to you in my screwed up layman's terms but I thought maybe Wikipedia would like to take on that challenge, so for all of you who are thinking, 'What the heck is auriculotherapy?', here is your answer...
Auriculotherapy, or auricular therapy, or ear acupuncture, or auriculoacupuncture is a form of alternative medicine based on the idea that the ear is a microsystem with the entire body represented on the auricle, the outer portion of the ear. Ailments of the entire body are assumed to be treatable by stimulation of the surface of the ear exclusively. Similar mappings are used in reflexology and iridology. These mappings are not based on or supported by any medical or scientific evidence
My back hurt from standing all day, my allergies were raging out of control, and my intestines were doing Zumba for most of the day...I needed some relief. Out came the little jar of yellow seeds I had noticed and the therapy session was about to begin. Under the guidance of Yoda, a young girl poked and prodded at my ear, squeezed parts of it to death, and even found little lesions on the skin when she used that fancy schmancy camera. Then they started sticking mustard seeds onto skin colored tape and pressing them into my ear (along the areas that corresponded with my back, pelvis, intestines etc).
And then they squeezed!
And squeezed!
And squeezed!!
OUCH!!!
By the end of the session my ear looked like this:
Wasn't it ironic that I was going out that very evening for the first time ever to the UFC fight with my ear looking diseased and deformed? If you've ever looked at UFC fighters, or wrestler's ears, then you know what I'm talking about. My girlfriend could barely stomach to look it and I swear she got the willies every time she looked at my ear.
Every 30 minutes, or whenever I began to experience discomfort in my intestines, lower back etc, I was to reach up and give the little mustard seeds a squeeze and press them into my ear like I was trying to pop them into my brain. Let me tell you, the only discomfort I experienced was when I had to push on those hard little suckers!!
OUCH!!.
By the next morning I had had enough so I got Mo to pick off all the lesion-looking bumps of tape (she was thoroughly grossed out) and when all was said and done, my ear was red, swollen and in total discomfort. And my back still hurt...and my tummy was still doing cartwheels...
This next picture highlights these littletherapeutic sadistic agitators. What's that saying about a pebble in your shoe? I think it goes something like this: "If you want to forget about your troubles, put a pebble in your shoe." Well, I'm telling you, if you want to forget about your Zumba dancing intestines, your breaking back, and your sore feet...just put a little mustard seed in your ear. Forget about the pebble.
By the way, the therapy did NOTHING for my hearing although I must admit when he squeezed the first mustard seed onto that area as I cried out,"OUCH!", my ear did pop. Does that mean anything?
So, yeah, I got taken for 20 bucks. I'll bet Yoda giggled his butt off as he pocketed my 20 and watched me limp off with a sore back, a messed up tummy and a cauliflower ear that would put any UFC fighter to shame...
Don't even get me started about the reflexology appointment I had last week...
Recently as I was wondering through the booths at a home show, this elderly Asian man beckoned to me to come hither. Despite his rotting teeth, hunchback, and his Yoda-like appearance I found myself drawn into his curious booth set up with reflexology and accupressure charts as well as bottles of little yellow seeds and a fancy schmancy camera (such a dichotomy). He said for 20 bucks he could cure my pain: I thought for 20 bucks I could buy him a toothbrush, a haircut, and arrange for a chiropractic adjustment...
As I tried to shake him off and move on over to the pretty knives that cut fruit into amazing shapes, he blocked my path and told me that he would treat me now and I could pay later, and when he learned of my partial deafness he literally rubbed his long and bony fingers together in a move reminiscent of Austin Powers and begged me for the opportunity to restore my hearing.
Good grief, what was I to do?
I sat down in the chair...
... and prepared myself for a session of auriculotherapy. Now, I could explain what this is to you in my screwed up layman's terms but I thought maybe Wikipedia would like to take on that challenge, so for all of you who are thinking, 'What the heck is auriculotherapy?', here is your answer...
Auriculotherapy, or auricular therapy, or ear acupuncture, or auriculoacupuncture is a form of alternative medicine based on the idea that the ear is a microsystem with the entire body represented on the auricle, the outer portion of the ear. Ailments of the entire body are assumed to be treatable by stimulation of the surface of the ear exclusively. Similar mappings are used in reflexology and iridology. These mappings are not based on or supported by any medical or scientific evidence
My back hurt from standing all day, my allergies were raging out of control, and my intestines were doing Zumba for most of the day...I needed some relief. Out came the little jar of yellow seeds I had noticed and the therapy session was about to begin. Under the guidance of Yoda, a young girl poked and prodded at my ear, squeezed parts of it to death, and even found little lesions on the skin when she used that fancy schmancy camera. Then they started sticking mustard seeds onto skin colored tape and pressing them into my ear (along the areas that corresponded with my back, pelvis, intestines etc).
And then they squeezed!
And squeezed!
And squeezed!!
OUCH!!!
By the end of the session my ear looked like this:
Wasn't it ironic that I was going out that very evening for the first time ever to the UFC fight with my ear looking diseased and deformed? If you've ever looked at UFC fighters, or wrestler's ears, then you know what I'm talking about. My girlfriend could barely stomach to look it and I swear she got the willies every time she looked at my ear.
Every 30 minutes, or whenever I began to experience discomfort in my intestines, lower back etc, I was to reach up and give the little mustard seeds a squeeze and press them into my ear like I was trying to pop them into my brain. Let me tell you, the only discomfort I experienced was when I had to push on those hard little suckers!!
OUCH!!.
By the next morning I had had enough so I got Mo to pick off all the lesion-looking bumps of tape (she was thoroughly grossed out) and when all was said and done, my ear was red, swollen and in total discomfort. And my back still hurt...and my tummy was still doing cartwheels...
This next picture highlights these little
By the way, the therapy did NOTHING for my hearing although I must admit when he squeezed the first mustard seed onto that area as I cried out,"OUCH!", my ear did pop. Does that mean anything?
So, yeah, I got taken for 20 bucks. I'll bet Yoda giggled his butt off as he pocketed my 20 and watched me limp off with a sore back, a messed up tummy and a cauliflower ear that would put any UFC fighter to shame...
Don't even get me started about the reflexology appointment I had last week...
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