Members of Earth.
Be informed.
The Loot is out there.
And it's called...Black Friday.
Yes, people of Earth, there are human droids who are driven by a desire so insatiable that they will shun sleep (31 hours awake!!), they will carry multiple shopping bags causing 'shopping hand' syndrome, and have been sighted laying across shopping carts in a piteous attempt to prevent crashing headlong to the floor. Oh, people of Earth, be warned that these droids are sneaky too. Beware of the ones who feign innocence; the ones who appear as if they are dedicated and focused on their task, but are really sneaking away from their duties and partaking of sustenance called Auntie Anne's Soft Pretzels. These are the worst. Do not align yourselves with these suspicious individuals.
With their M.O. (method of operation) clearly defined, I'm going to now tell you what we call them. They are known as....
(dun, dun, dun)
Black Friday Shoppers.
Pay attention to the following signs and signals that will help you to identify this strange creature.
#1. They travel in groups.
#2. They usually drive minivans or vehicles capable of carrying heavy loads.
#3. They will stand for HOURS in line-ups in to pay for their acquisitions. Be especially aware of the 'line and shop' technique they employ where one droid will take an empty shopping cart and stand in the line (that goes from the front entrance, around the entire store, and ends at the other door of the front entrance) whilst the others happily find items to shove into the empty cart. (It is here that you will find the cart holder splaying herself across the cart in an attempt to refuel. There may even be multiple packages of chips and M&M's present. Keep a watchful eye.)
#4. Their shelters are hazardous due to the hoards of packages strewn about. Be extra cautious when trying to navigate the labyrinth-like clusters of shopping bags; you could easily break a limb from tripping on a "Merry Christmas" sign.
#4. They employ many techniques to refuel their energy. Pay special attention to your personal safety in the following places: Auntie Anne's soft pretzels (keep all fingers away from the mouths of droids at this location as they could get chomped off); Maggiano's Little Italy (where they indulge in purportedly the most amazing stuffed mushrooms and Rigatoni 'D' that the planet has known); Rocky Mountain Caramel Apples, Henry and David's Peppermint Brittle, and, of course...Starbucks (where they will throw quite a fit if the barrista forgets to put peppermint into their peppermint hot chocolate).
The droids do not require as much sleep as humans do, however they have been known to grab quick naps here and there. Note the following droid who obviously could not " hold her shopping" and passed out in her chosen mode of transportation.
#5. They are prone to hysterical fits of laughter and nonsense. Anything can set them off. They will go to any lengths to get their 'fix.' Please note the following; caution is advised.
#5. They have leaders; droids who are experienced in the art of Black Friday shopping, who extend invitations to unsuspecting humans, and subsequently brain wash them with good food, good friends, and good times.
The newbies are completely helpless under such aggressive techniques and quickly succumb to, and even begin to crave, and plan for, the next shopping expedition, which, in case you need to seek shelter from the shopping droid onslaught, is just
361 days away!!!
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